Freedom from narrative

What is awakening to me? I don't mean spirituality, but awakening. As for me, awakening is direct, authentic realization, aha chemistry thing, kind of like instant connection. Unfortunately, language is limited so my words may have mystical vibes but for me, this is so simple. I will try to explain it as good as I can.

Firstly, some background info. Before I discovered this thing, I was just a lost, confused, self doubtful person. I felt like I can get success but only through terrible self determination. I was searching for how to be authentic, how to find my own voice, I mean, how to be myself. How to live comfortably inside my skin without tearing myself down. Just like how I was in my childhood, how to enjoy the beautiful sun rays reflected on the wall at morning. How to find dancing of leaves on the trees as something cool again. How to be the person I used to be. And I couldn't find the answers to my questions. Most people didn't care about such stuff, so I was all alone trying to figure it out that what am I going to do with this thing called life. Identity crisis. I had to face the fact that life was all about suffering like this and there wasn't more. At least for people like me. Other people were successful, but maybe I was the unlucky one.

 

One day I saw a random YouTube ad about some random spirituality guru talking about stuff like universe, the capital S Self, discovering purpose, law of attraction, becoming vibrationally ready for success, quantum physics etc. I liked it so much and it kickstarted the process of believing in my potential. I knew I was onto something but I couldn't figure out exactly what was it. Not yet. Now looking back at those days, I see it for what it was: it installed an idea in my brain that life is much more than how I imagine it to be. It could be better. I just need to expand my awareness. I was snapped out of what psychologists call "victim mentality".

 

So I binge watched spiritual videos, read books, I was really serious and earnest. I found this dedication in me as amazing because as a lazy person wow I was this determined. New concepts entered my vocabulary: astral travel, chakras, Buddhism, spiritual guides, quantum physics, consciousness, awareness, Love, beauty, states of consciousness (theta, delta, alpha, beta, epsilon etc), nirvana, diamond sutra, non duality, Advainta Vedanta, Maya, vibrations, choiceless awareness etc.

 

Well, they greatly expanded my perception. I knew that I wasn't merely a poor soul. I wasn't someone special, yet I wasn't just a stupid person. But wait, I had to study more and more to prove my worthiness. To prove my value. They were not inherent, I had to earn them.

Long story short, although I wasn't back into square one, I felt that most of these stuff sounded very new age-y. I was interested in realizing the awakening, whatever this meant. Not spirituality. I felt that some of those spiritual gurus were not really honest: it was all about toxic positivity. I can't 100% always be positive. Their words contradicted my authentic experiences. With that said, Yes, slowly but surely, chunks of my ego started falling down. I started feeling lighter and lighter. I started to have courage to question more and more of my deeply cherished beliefs. I become more open minded person, I tried looking at a situation from all perspectives, especially the ones which contradict my confirmation biases and my deep held beliefs. So, I knew that I still couldn't fully understand their philosophy and teachings, but I doubted if one day getting exactly what they mean may help me. I kept going. I mean yes they were going to give me the keys, yes, but they were not going to teach me how to use the keys (i.e. unlocking the door). I had to do it myself.

IDK exactly how it happened, but with every inspiring quote, book, video I have consumed, I become better until one day I couldn't help but see the truth: freedom from narrative.

 

It hit me like a lightning bolt that this was all a narrative, a story I chose to believe in dogmatically. In reality, I was always inherently worthy, I didn't need any of these things really. I wasn't free, because I bought into conditioning and suggestions of people around me that I needed to be better person, to do this more, to do that more, to open my chakras, to be aligned with Self etc. I realized that my fate, my life is in my hands. And all these stuff I was experiencing (both stuff like feeling lost AND spiritual stuff) were merely thoughts... Ideas... Opinions... Narrative... Story... I have chosen to internalize!

 

Now, I still feel angry, confused, lost, unsure, doubtful. But they have all lost their stickiness so to speak. I know that what I experience is a sensation, energy, but I slap narrative around it that "it is uncomfortable", that it is anger, that is feeling lost etc. No one is lost. I am just choosing to label one particular sensation I experience this way. Such strong emotions lose their power when I see them as uncomfortable feelings, but stopping here and not going as further as describing them as doubt, anger etc. Again, I want to acknowledge that I don't deny reality of these feelings, but this narrative which I fervently and ardently believed in has lost its power.

Nothing has really changed, in a sense I am back in square one. Again. But everything has changed. Because square 1 and ultimately, whole this journey is just a story, narrative I take waaaay too seriously. There is nothing wrong with this narrative either.

Thanks so much for reading my post.