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158
Posted by: DimmaDontTalkToMe

(Sticky) Support group request

If there is a support group you'd like to attend but don't see it represented, please leave a comment detailing it and we will look into getting it set up.

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158
Posted by: DimmaDontTalkToMe
Last reply: princessblossom17

Adoption Support Group

This Topic is for supporting pre and post adoptive parents. 

Nervous about what to expect? Things going differently than you imagined? 
I will be updating this Topic with resources, and feel free to share any you come across!
If you have specific situations you'd like specific insights on how to handle, please share them in the comments. 
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princessblossom17
158
Posted by: DimmaDontTalkToMe
Last reply: BigOleBobcat

Emotional Support Group

This Topic is for supporting eachother.
I will be updating this Topic with resources for self-care, and will be linking to other sub-categories and Topics with good insights as well..
If you have specific situations you'd like specific insights on how to handle, please share them in the comments. 

Much of what we cover here will incorporate MRT, Anger Control strategies, Seeking Safety, and general safe coping curriculums. We will also be relying on feedback from this community and experience from caseworkers in the field to offer the very best resources and feedback we can. 

General Coping Strategies

General coping strategies are numerous. A good rule is to note that your coping should not cause harm to yourself or others, it should also not interfere with your work or ability to socialize. It can be difficult to distinguish between a coping strategy and an addiction/obsession. 

One of the best methods you can utilize for quick in-the-moment coping is deep breathing. This is where you breathe in deep through your nose, fill the bottom of your lungs first, and then breathe out of your mouth. Each inhale should take about 5 seconds, and you should be able to feel some tension in your body before you exhale. Not too much, it should not be painful at all. As you release the phsyical tension your body naturally wants to relax in addition to the oxygen you're getting. 

One method you can utilize is called Grounding. This is another good one to utilize if you find yourself becoming overwhelmed, and used alongside deep breathing it can be a very strong tool. 
There are three basic types of grounding

Mental - try to make some categories and lists, how many sports teams can you think of, can you name all of the states?
Physical - focusing on the tactile things around you. Fidget spinners are used for this purpose. You can also imagine what something would feel / taste like if you were to touch it or taste it (use wisely, don't hurt yourself)
Emotional - Focus on things that are appealing emotionally. Cute animals, loved family members, upcoming events you're looking forward to, these are all good emotional grounding points to focus on. 

Many people have a favorite kind of grounding, so feel free to try them all out. And remember, this will not help you if you do not use it. Try to think of something that might agitate you in the upcoming future and pledge to use these methods at that time, also, practice them now (if you can). 

Trigger Thoughts, and Thought Distortions

Trigger thoughts are the other half of anger. You can think of pain as being gasoline and the trigger thought as being the spark. All anger is derived from some pain, whether it be physical or emotional. 
To identify a trigger thought, you need to recognize these three things

There is damage being done
It is being done on purpose/knowingly
It is wrong 

However, it's also important to think about whether or not you were in pain BEFORE the trigger thought took place. 

For example, imagine you woke up with a migraine and your roommate left their dishes on the counter AGAIN. You've asked them repeatedly to pick up after themselves, but now you have to do it. 

You think, "They're just inconsiderate jerks who don't care about me or that I always have to clean up after them; do they think I'm their maid?  My morning is ruined! Everyone knows you should just wash it right away. This is making my headache worse". 

Now you're mad. 

Let's deconstruct the trigger thought

There is damage being done - You have to clean up after them. Dirty dishes being left out attract bugs/mice and can be harder to clean. 
It is being done on purpose/knowingly - You've told them this is an issue already. You feel they had to choose to leave this dish out. 
It is wrong - It's disrespectful both to you and the property, might even be a character flaw. 

Now, let's take a look at whether or not there are Thought Distortions in our Trigger Thought. 

The thought distortions are:
Blaming - I'm suffering because of you and the things you are doing, you need to change. 
Magnifying/Catastrophizing - This is the worst thing that could have happened, I don't thing this can be salvaged
Overgeneralizing - This always happens... You never...
Commanding/Demanding - The only right way is my way 
Inflammatory Global Labeling - Jerk, Fool; these reduce a person down to just one word
Misattribution - I know exactly why you did that. In fact, I know why everyone does everything

Blaming - This is making my headache worse
Magnifying - My morning is ruined!
Overgeneralization - I always have to clean up after them 
Commanding/Demanding - Everyone knows you should just wash it right away
Inflammatory global labeling - Those inconsiderate jerks
Misattribution - who do they think I am, their maid?

Uh oh...
It turns out each one of these thought distortions, in addition to being not entirely accurate, makes that anger burn a little hotter. Now that we've identified thought distortions, we need to adjust ourselves with coping thoughts that challenge them. This does not mean going through and pretending everything is fine when it is not. This is about managing the emotion you're feeling so you can come up with the very best path forward that you possibly can. 

Blaming - This is making my headache worse - They're doing their best, I have to do my best
Magnifying - My morning is ruined! - It isn't great, but how bad is it really? I can come up with a plan, and then I'll still have my entire morning.
Overgeneralization - I always have to clean up after them - I've had to clean up after them twice this week, when it used to be every day. It's not as bad as it used to be. 
Commanding/Demanding - Everyone knows you should just wash it right away - Other people grew up differently, they've gotten through their whole lives like this. 
Inflammatory global labeling - Those inconsiderate jerks - They're just people, this will only ruin our friendship if I let it. 
Misattribution - who do they think I am, their maid? - I'll try to come up with some other reasons how this could have happened. Maybe they intended to do it in the morning. I can wait until they wake up and ask them about it. 

Ok, couple this with some deep breaths and grounding, and find a good plan. Is the situation so dire that you do need to clean it up immediately? If not, wait until you can ask them to clean it up themselves. If you truly can't get over the mess there are other things you can do, such as save up and move out on your own, or having family meetings to monitor this progress as a gorup. 

The recurring theme with trigger thoughts is that it puts you in a position of having been harmed or victimized, and the theme with thought distortions is that it's up to someone else to help you feel better. These things cause stress and can make it very difficult to take care of day to day annoyances and obstacles. 

The next update will be on maintaining a good baseline with proactive coping strategies, and positive communication 
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Last reply:
BigOleBobcat
158
Posted by: DimmaDontTalkToMe
Last reply: BigOleBobcat

Parenting Support Group

This Topic is for supporting parents. 

I will continue to update this Topic with resources for parents.
If you have specific situations you'd like specific insights on how to handle, please share them in the comments. 

Much of the tips and insights we offer here will be based on the 123 Magic curriculums with some adjustments based on Trust-Based-Relational Interventions and feedback from parents and caseworkers in the field. Feel free to discuss any points covered here and they will be adjusted if necessary. 

COUNTING  AND THE SIX BASIC KINDS OF TESTING 

For discipline we use the counting method followed by time-outs. With this it is important to recognize that we don't recommend corporeal punishment (spanking) as it does not work and can have lasting psychological effects ( https://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/uk/21/04/effect-spanking-brain ) . However, you're welcome to utilize variations of the counting method as long as you incorporate what makes it effective. 

The counting method itself is fairly simple. The child is doing something they aren't supposed to do, and you tell them what they're doing wrong and what the consequences of continuing to misbehave are. If they continue to misbehave you count to 1 followed by about 5 seconds of silence. Then 2, followed by another 5 seconds of silence. Once you hit 3, the child is moved to a time out. The time out should be about 1 minute for every year old they are. 3 year olds get 3 minutes, 4 year olds get 4 minutes, etc.

Already we have reached a point where many parents struggle. What makes the counting method effective is in fact the periods of silence between each count. That is when the child is weighing their options. Many parents will speak between the counts or will be exhibiting high-energy emotions, both of which distract the child from their task of being accountable for their actions. 

Many times you'll find that once a child becomes aware of the process, they will wait until you reach 3 before they start complying. Remember, 3 is a time-out. You're welcome to give in to this if you can live with it if you'd like, but your message to the child is "You don't have to listen until I say 3", and you open yourself up to an argument. For example, 

Parent - "I need you to stop playing in the dirt"
Child - Doesn't say anything, continues playing in the dirt
Parent - "That's 1..."
Child - Stays the course, doesn't respond to the Parent
Parent - "That's 2..."
Child - Continues
Parent - "That's 3, time for a time out"
Child - Standing up quickly, "BUT I WAS GETTING OUT OF THE DIRT, SEE? I'M NOT IN THE DIRT".

In instances like this, the child is trying to test your boundaries and utilize a testing tactic (Temper, Martyrdom) to try to tell you that if you follow through with making them have a time out, they're going to have a tantrum. They are also trying to tell you that it would be unfair to give them a time-out, since they did eventually comply. This is why it's beneficial to make your expectations very clear, and enforce that once you say 3 it is a time-out: every single time. 

The common testing tactics are as follows: 
Badgering - wearing you down with repetition
Threats - the child gives you an ultimatum
Temper - the child might shout or become extremely emotional
Physical Tactics - breaking things, getting physical with you, threatening to run away
Martyrdom - an attempt to make you feel guilty by showcasing how miserable you're making them
Buttering Up - a set-up for future parental guilt

All of these testing tactics (except for Buttering Up at first) share the common underlying message, "I'm going to make this difficult for you until you give me what I want". Please note that if you give in to that demand, you are not in charge. 

However, this does not mean your child is an evil master manipulator who must be beaten into the ground. In fact, we find the opposite is true. They are not little adults, their emotions are big and often too much for them to handle. They need some help in regulating their emotions, and in recognizing right from wrong. Ultimately if a child does not do the right thing because it is the right thing to do, the time out or time out alternative serves to help guide the child in the right direction. For that reason, it only works if you yourself know how to regulate your emotions and can control your behavior very well. Otherwise you will very likely fall victim to these testing tactics. 
It can be very difficult to deny a child dessert even though they didn't eat all of their dinner, especially when they're rolling on the floor screaming about how much they hate you. If you are not centered and become emotional yourself, it may not be possible to respond in the best possible way. 

Please refer to the emotional support group for more insight in this area. 

Remember, if you have buttons that your child can press and they know it'll distract you from their punishment, they'll probably press it. They know they have found one of these buttons when you start to become emotional and start talking too much. Or even better, they can get you to argue with them. 
Make sure that you have good discussions with your children, and make sure you count when you need to. If you notice them going on the attack or becoming disrespectful, it's a good idea to start counting. Eventually you will reach a point where they either redirect their own behavior by the count of 2, or accept the punishment without having a tantrum. 

The next update will center around time outs in public or with company, collaborating with other authority figures, time out alternatives, and active listening. 
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BigOleBobcat
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Posted by: GHope

Trafficking Survivors

A safe place where trafficking survivors can come to encourage & lift each other up. Sharing everything from how to do monthly budgets to navigating higher education/ career training.

Resources can be posted but we ask that no personal / identifying information be shared. 
No judgmental comments against survivors will be tolerated as we do the best we can with what we have while striving to overcome & thrive. 
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